It is a circus, no question. It was a three-ring circus, but one of the acts - the Clinton dog-and-pony show - is now performing outside the big top in one of the many side shows. What say we spend a few moments at the circus, just for fun. Nothing to learn here, of course, but plenty to see. Got your lemonade and candy apple? Then let's go on into the big top.

Ring Master: "Ladies and Gentlemen!"

Why, it's Nancy Pelosi as Ring Master - trying to run things as usual, I see. I think the top hat, black riding boots and whip are working well for her, don't you?

RM Pelosi: "Welcome to Obama-O-Rama, the Circus of the Stars! If you will direct your attention to the center ring, you will see our newest attraction, Senator Barak Obama, doing the truth-defying, side-stepping, elusive 'What Answer Would You Like to Hear?' Asking the questions is ABC reporter Terry Moran."

Moran: “Mr. Obama, if you had to do it over again, knowing what you know now (i.e., that the troop surge in Iraq would be an overwhelming success), would you support the surge?”

Obama (dressed as Statue of Liberty): "Uh, no, uh, because, uh, keep in mind that - "

Moran: “You wouldn't?"

Obama: "Well, uh, no, uh ... keep in mind, these kinds of hypotheticals are, uh, very difficult. You know, uh, hindsight is 20/20."

Moran: "Uh ... do you mind if I quote you on that, Mr. Obama? (writing) 'Hindsight is 20/20.' Did you pick that up at Columbia?"

Obama: "Well, uh, no, I mean, yes, uh, it's hard to say ..."

RM Pelosi: "Ladies and Gentlemen! We'll come back to the center ring after Mr. Obama has had time to check the polls ... er, I mean, his notes. But now, let's look above our heads at the incredible high-flying act of Senator John McCain!"

McCain (as he swings through the air with the greatest of ease): "There are 14 billion barrels of recoverable oil available in US offshore waters that would solve a big part of our energy crisis. If Cuba can drill 60 miles off the coast of Florida, why can't we? They are getting our oil because our Congress will not lift the moratorium on offshore drilling. How about it, Ms. Pelosi? Can we drill now?"

RM Pelosi: "Over my dead body!" She cracks whip. "You're way out of line, McCain. If only I had you in my House. I'd teach you to jump through fiery hoops. We're not here to make things easy for the American people, in case you haven't noticed. We're here to keep them busy. We need to increase their quota of bricks and, if necessary, even take away their straw. They have gotten way too lazy for their own good. We're the only ones who know what's best for America." Cracks whip again.

Obama: "Here, here."

McCain (still swinging, laughing): "Around 75% of Americans are in favor of offshore drilling. I would have thought that an approval rating of only 14% would be low enough, even for you Democrats, but apparently you want to break your own record. What do you folks in the audience say? Would you like to see us drill for offshore oil now?"

Audience (exploding with applause): "Yes! Drill now! Drill now! Do something about out-of-control Arab oil! Do something to help our economy!"

RM Pelosi (taken aback, cracking whip): "Sit down! How dare you question one of my decisions! You ungrateful children! Not only will you get no more straw for your bricks, but you will go to bed tonight without your gruel. Now sit down and be quiet and ... on with the show! Please direct your eyes to the left ring! Our Commander-in-Chief, President George W. Bush!"

Bush (wearing an Old West sheriff's outfit, and riding an elephant): "I'd just like to say something to my little friends south of the border: I'm coming, amigos, I'm coming. Ol' Hannibal Bush is on his way. What I've done in Iraq, I'll do for my friends in Ol' Me-he-ko. I haven't forgotten you. I know you want in, and I'm working on it. Don't worry. Read my lips: no new wall. There will be no wall between our two great nations. And as far as placing restrictions on illegals, I ..."

McCain (interrupting): "Uh, Mr. President, haven't the American people asked for - no, demanded - that a wall be built along our southern border? It's been seven years now since 9-11, and you still haven't ..."

Bush: "Hey, what the American people wants and what the American people gets are two entirely different ..."

RM Pelosi: "The people?! What do they know?"

Obama: "Here, here. And as the new symbol of American's best traditions, let me just add that ..."

McCain: "I think you're going to find out in November what the American people know, and what they want. And it's not a new symbol."

Bush: "Bring it on! I can take anything they can dish out! I'm Commander-in-Chief, by George!"

McCain: "Let me just ask you this, Mr. President: the Chinese people built the Great Wall across China during the Middle Ages using technology that was, to say the least, far inferior to anything we have today. And yet, we, the most technologically advanced nation in the history of the world, can't even ..."

Bush: "Whoa, whoa. I know what you're going to ask me: how did the Chinesies get the Olympic Games; and, more importantly, how did they get the Wal-Mart account? Those are good questions, good questions ... and I think I have the answer: luck. Luck of the Chinese. It must have been because it was the year of the rat or the four-leaf clover or something. Those Chinesies are clever people: paper and gunpowder and Wal-Mart and Hong Kong ... and now they get the Olympics and our oil. I mean, they're just clever ... and lucky."

McCain: "So, you don't plan on doing anything to secure our borders - that's all been just a lot of talk?"

Bush: "Well, now, I don't think that would send a very nice message to my little amigo buddies down south of the border, do you?"

Obama (in a sing-song voice to himself, like a little girl daydreaming): I am a symbol, I am a promise, a promise that you bet-ter keep. I am a symbol, I am a promise, and Americans are just like sheep. Bah. Bah." He giggles to himself.

This is turning into a lot of the same old rhetoric. Why don't we leave the big top and check out some of the sideshows? How about this very unusual-looking one with stars and planets all over it? "Dr. Gore's Celestial Wonders." What's the barker saying?

Barker: "Come one, come all to the New Nostradamus of Modern Meteorology: Dr. Albertus Gore! Hear his predictions as he studies the heavenly bodies and reads in them the future of nations - even of the earth itself! You'll be astounded, amazed! Come one, come all! Just one thin dime!"

Let's go in. Wow, it's awfully dark in here, and spooky. Oh, boy - here comes the doctor, dressed like a wizard!

Doctor Gore (raising his hands for everyone to be silent): "Welcome, good people, to my reading of the stars - but, most especially, of planet earth. First, I would like to astrologinomically project the earth as a three-dimensional object into this room, as it looks from outer space. My mind is a million miles away, a million miles. Don't ask me any questions that relate to anything in the real world - I'm in outer space right now. I'm out there - literally - communing with the planets and stars. Okay, there it is - planet earth.

"Look at it. You'll notice that it's round. And that it has green and brown areas, but mostly blue ones. You will also notice white areas at the top and bottom. I have no idea what these different colored areas mean - but they're pretty, aren't they?

"Now, let's take a look at the United States. Here it is. Notice all the smokey stuff surrounding it - that's pollution. No, wait - I'm sorry, those are clouds. Notice, too, all the lights. That means it's nighttime. Wow, what is that humongous light just west of the Appalachian Mountains? That must be some gigantic industrial complex, or ... Wait a second ... That's my house in Tennessee! Wow! I didn't realize it would show up so ... I mean, yes, that is definitely a military or industrial complex of some kind.

"Notice how the houses of Republicans use more energy than houses of Democrats. Yes, I see the President's ranch in Crawford, Texas creating a giant carbon footprint. Wait ... No, that's my place again. Is this map right?"

Person in Audience: "Mr. Former Vice President ..."

Doctor Gore: "Call me the Great, the Powerful, the All-knowing Oz - or, just Doctor Gore. Yes, what is your question?"

Person in Audience: "Sir, your theories on global warming have received great criticism from the most prominent names in the meteorological community. What do you have to say to that?"

Doctor Gore: "Well, do those guys have a Nobel Prize or an Oscar? I don't think so. Also, have you noticed how meteorologists are only right about half the time? Uh-huh. We've got to stamp out these carbon footprints and replace them with non-carbon toe-prints. I have some dance charts here that I'd like to pass out that I think will help us learn to do that. If you could all just push your chairs back against the walls so we have some room to dance."

Person in Audience: "Doctor Gore, you can't be serious. You expect us to dance our way out of this problem?"

Doctor Gore: "What problem? Oh, you mean the global warming thing-a-ma-jig. Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Now that I have my prize and my Oscar, and my book and DVD sales are doing well, I think it will work itself out. Actually, I have a new idea I've been working on with Michael Moore: it's called "Some Slightly Bothersome Half-Truths." It's about the tendency of politicians to tell white lies. Let me just say this about it: if all the political half-truths told to the American people were pin-points of light on this globe, it would light up like the sun. Talk about energy! Hey, that may be a new source!"

Now that we've seen what Doctor Gore has to offer - or not - why don't we walk over to that really weird-looking tent and see what that is. Oh, no - it's "The Great Carter." We've got to go in. Are you game? Huh - not very many people in here. Kind of empty-looking stage as well.

Jimmy Carter (entering with a flourish, dressed as a clown): "Hello. My name is Jimmy Carter. I'm here to tell you how I wouldn't have done any of the things that this American president has done if it had been I."

Person in Audience: "What about take the oath of office?"

Carter: "Okay, well, now ... I would have done that."

Person in Audience: "What about live in the White House?"

Carter: "Y-yes, I would have done that as well."

Person in Audience: "What about all the barbecues?"

Carter: "Alright, I would have done that, but I would also have held a lot of peanut-related get-togethers. And I wouldn't have bombed Iraq."

Person in Audience: "What about attacking New York City during the Civil War?"

Carter: "Yes, I would have done that, but I wouldn't have done it on 9-11."

Person in Audience: "Neither would President Bush."

Carter: "Well, there you go. There are some things on which we agree."

This show is kind of weak. (Why am I surprised?) Let's slip out and take in one last show: I really want to see the "Astounding Clintons." I believe that's the tent over on the end.

Barker: "You're just in time. Go right in. All seats are free for this final show."

Wow. Free? Can't beat that. The tent looks rather like a room in the White House. Wait a second - it looks like the Oval Office. What is this? Okay, there's Bill.

Bill (enters, dressed like a prince): "Welcome, ladies (and gentlemen). I'll be leading your tour of the White House today. Hillary will be in meetings all day, but at some point I hope to be able to stick our heads in somewhere and get a glimpse of her.

"To start out, as you can see, we're in the Oval Office. This is my favorite room in the entire White House. It has so many memories for me. At one time, I actually got to sit behind this very desk and be the Big Cheese, as you know. Now, I'm a little cheese in Hillary's mouse trap, but (whispering) I'm going to change all that. She's gotten a little too big for her britches - a fat cat, if you know what I mean - and I plan to put her on a strict diet of humble pie and ..."

Hillary (walking into office, dressed like the queen mother): "Oh. I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Bill, what are you doing in my office?"

Bill (embarrassed): "Hi, dear. I was just showing some friends around the 'House.' You know - a 'tour?'"

Hillary: "I thought I told you never to come in here. I don't care if you are doing a tour, this is my Oval Office in my White House in my Washington DC, the capital of my Kingdom. You and these peasants have no right to be here. Get out now!

Bill: "I'm sorry, dear. Alright, folks, we need to move as quickly as possible to the nearest exit."

Hillary (on the phone): "I need Security up here on the double. There are spies and saboteurs in my office. Yes. Send some Green Barets and Navy Seals while you're at it. Yes, they look extremely dangerous. Shoot to kill. You heard me, shoot to kill! That's a presidential order! I don't care about civilians, do what I say! Right." She hangs up. "Bill, you are going to be so sorry you ever came in here. You're also going to be sorry for Monica, you're going to be sorry for losing the election for me, you're going to be sorry for ..."

Bill: "But, dear, I thought we agreed that we were both equally responsible for your losing. Why should I take all the blame?"

Hillary: "Because you're Bill Clinton. People expect you to screw up. I'm Hillary. I'm not supposed to make mistakes - except for you. I'm supposed to be perfect."

Bill (easing his way to the door): "Okay, dear, whatever you say. I'm going to take these nice people and we're going to leave before you say something you might regret."

Hillary: "Like what? Like, 'I'm sorry we have free elections in this country? I would really have enjoyed marching into Washington like Caesar marched into Rome?' Or, 'I'm sorry we outlawed slavery? I really would have liked to have a pyramid built in my honor by people who are my slaves?' Well, I would, what can I say? I deserve to be dictator, I deserve to be honored like the pharaohs. Is that so much? This is America, for Pete's sake, where you're supposed to get what you want. But did I get what I wanted? Nooooooooooo. And why?" She stares Bill into the floor.

Bill (continuing to ease his way out of the room): "Dear, you know we were both responsible, not just me. We agreed on that, remember?"

Hillary (crossing to Bill and starting to strangle him): "Yes, but I didn't say I had to like it! I still ... can't believe ... you made me lose ... that election." She has lost all control at this point.

Bill: "Hillary. (Choke.) Dear. (Gag.) Sweetheart. (Wheeze.) You know ... what I was saying ... about your temper? (Choke, cough, gag.)"

Hillary (pausing): "What about it?!"

Bill (hesitating): "Nothing." Hillary starts choking him again.

Maybe we should call it a night. It's been fun, but I don't think these guys are going to resolve anything. That's just not what they do.

Thanks for joining me. What do you say we meet back here in November when the circus comes to town again? 'kay? See you then.



Waitsel Smith, August 4, 2008

Text and Illustration Copyright © 2008 Waitsel Smith. All Rights Reserved.